well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
