I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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