I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
