i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
how do you play pong handcuffed?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
