why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
so let's talk penis.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
