she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
