he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
