Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
