She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
