Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
