may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
