I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
