things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
