Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
