i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
