i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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