I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
