What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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