saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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