apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
