I skipped work to stalk him.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
