i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
