it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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