My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
