he was CRYING into my vagina
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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