took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
