Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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