Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
