I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
