I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm passing your future prison.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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