after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
