if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
