I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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