I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
