we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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