YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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