the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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