dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
where are you?
Hypothermia
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
