ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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