I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
