You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You ate ashes out of my bong
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
