I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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