You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I am midnight drunk by noon
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
