I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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