We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
