blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
