How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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