I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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