I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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