what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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