I am full of burrito and curiosity
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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