Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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