Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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