This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
