My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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