I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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