Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize