I'm going to jail i love you
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
