I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
