fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Randomize
